Saturday, April 9, 2016

UltraNever Again!



It's been a while. Not, getting ready for a run on Saturday. It's been a while. Not, strolling up to a starting line. It's been a while. Not, wearing pants. It's been a while. Not, getting nervous for a race. That streak is over, nerves and an uneasy feeling has taken over my body. All the normal pre-race traditions are missing, it almost feels as if there is this thick fog haze over everything. It's as if I'm a zombie, stab me in the head! Is this my body going into shock preparing what it knows is coming? Nothing feels real at this moment and it certainly doesn't seem real that today is the day for the dun-dun-dun (dumb?) Ultra.

The fog horn sounds and it starts. Thirty-three and a half miles, then there's a promise it will finish, eventually. That's the only guarantee for certain in my mind, getting there is an complete unknown. Part of me expects to be face down somewhere after the twenty mile mark. This blog is full of complaining about weather, this is one day on what I expect to be my hardest run to date, the weather finally decided to cooperated with me. Snow overnight, temps in the 20's to start and highs only in the 30's, if ever there was a day for me, this may be it. Must have done something right to deserve this.

Ultras are easier than Marathons, or so I've read. Just slow your pace, enjoy, is the recommendation. Who writes these? Almost expect it to be some kind of inside joke. Longer is easier, so dumb. First mile, 8:25, okay maybe there is some truth to this. Second mile, 8:00. Boy, that "easy" didn't last long. Here come the voices. Annoyed with the excessive amount of tracks in the snow, the people around me, something clicked and plan of keeping it easy is now gone. Mile three, 7:30. This probably is a horrible decision, but this whole challenge is an unknown. Only way to learn is by doing.

The next few miles stayed consistent. The tracks never got better, couldn't figure that out (a day later realized they were from the people who did the early start and never would have gotten better no matter how fast I went!), now ahead of most people making them. Dropping 7:30 miles, found it didn't take long to lose the crowd, but somebody was on my heals the whole way still. At about mile six, my shadow made himself known. We chatted a bit, he was from Indiana, this was also his first Ultra. I made it known that after twenty miles, wasn't sure what would happen, to clear my conscious if he was looking for advic. At mile eight, let my shadow go, knew continuing to do miles at 7:30 would not be a good thing later, so eased back to about 8's.  

This is where the mental games started. Tunnel vision is an understatement, the world consists of a trail, a treeline on either side, and a vanishing point disappearing in the distance, yet never seeming to get closer. Redrum, Redrum, isn't this how Jack Nicholas started his trip to insanity? There is an occasion runner to pass, but for the most part doing the solo ultra is fitting, it's solo, you are alone. Better get used to it, there is still a long way to go.

Getting to the halfway point, found myself thinking of past experiences doing this race as part of a relay team. Good times. This is the point I'd be taking over and would be starting, fresh and full of energy. Now, it's a seventeen and a half mile warm up, with last sixteen miles to go, alone. No team cheering, no support, just back to the monotony of the trail never seeming to end.

Just passed mile twenty, this is where things always happen. Knowing my history didn't help the mind games. Knowing still had a half marathon to go, definitely didn't help the confidence. My pace was still good and still felt good, but found myself starting to look forward to the next aid station, which I thought was at mile twenty three. It was getting to the point where I needed food and planned a drop bag with snacks for this purpose. Mile twenty three clicks, nothing. Okay, maybe it's twenty three and a half, nothing. Of course can see for what looks like forever and still see nothing. This is where mentally the wheels came off. Doubt, confidence, history, loneliness, the Wall looming, everything coming at once. Then I see it, finally, the aid station at twenty four! Salvation! First thing I notice, no drop bag, this isn't the aid station for that. The few seconds of relief instantly gone with the realization that my stuff wasn't here, low to high, to back looooow.

Luckily, this aid station is being hosted by a super positive runner friend of ours, Ms. Positive. She hits me with the usual "you're looking great", "you're doing great", all the things I know are lies based on how I'm feeling and roll off my back like water off a duck.  "Can I get you anything?", wakes me from my trance, just as I notice cups of Coke. My response, "a bike!". Then I also notice a GU, Coke and GU, not an exact replacement for not seeing my drop bag, but certainly helped. Took a moment to crouch, stretch, and attempt to find whatever strength that was still inside to continue. Ms. Positive, "that's it, find your mantra". Didn't have the heart to tell her, I was really just looking for that damn bike under the table!

Coke, GU, Ms. Positive, or the combination of all three, but what I'm sure was my downward slide, prevented and righted the ship. While nobody feels great after running twenty five miles, I felt much better than mile twenty three/four. Pace slowed a little, but not bad, still low 8's. Had any of those things not been there, would have totally changed the rest of the race and not sure I would have made it.

When mile twenty six clicked, waiting until it was officially at point two past to check my time. Fourth fastest marathon, in the middle of my first Ultra, that helped gain some confidence back. Believe the next aid station was around mile twenty eight. At this point, felt things were a success simply for the fact I was still running and knew surviving and finishing were a sure thing. Definitely was getting tired and mentally had some runner's head going on. Awwwww, light shines down, there's my drop bag! By this time the trail was more wet than snow covered and while I could finish without, felt it was best to do a sock change. Hands and fingers didn't want to work, felt as though lost lots of time making this switch, but also felt as though I needed a slight break (looking back, never should have bothered). It wasn't until about a quarter mile after realized didn't eat or take any of my damn snacks that I wanted way back at mile twenty three/four. Five more miles without anything, we'll call this ultra surviving.

Mile thirty was my Wall. Honestly, really not sure had I remembered my food, if it would of made any difference. My body was tired and this is also about the point where some of the relay team people were now passing. My mind didn't get anywhere near the place is was at around mile twenty three/four, but it really didn't feel like I was doing very well and didn't see any reason forcing myself to keep going and chance injuring something, so the last miles became the walk run mix to finish.

Crossing the line, I'm not even sure what my emotions were. Glad to be done for sure, but wasn't even excited to complete my first ultra. Maybe it was simply too tired to care, but really wanted a smiling CT standing there waiting. My favorite Bug was there with Downhill, it felt good to have somebody there, super excited, and that was unexpected. The whole time of being out there alone, figured I'd have to wait until CT finished before being able to see anyone. As we waited, Buggy wanted me to take a blanked because I was shivering. Had to tell her, I'm not cold, it's my legs quivering from what they just went through! Ran thirty three and a half miles, really basically thirty four since course changed, still label it as thirty three, liars! Yet, my legs felt the need to vibrate for probably another two after.

Have a whole new appreciation for the Ultra Marathoners out there. It's one thing to physically train your body enough to do the distance, but I can't even comprehend how tough they are mentally or how you prepare for greater distances. They probably just have water boards setup in their basements, because that's about what it felt like those last miles.

Official goal was simply to finish. Unofficial goal was getting under five hours. 4:50:55 and a promise to never do that again. Hmmm, wonder if I could do better...